Gut Issues

I have had irritable bowel syndrome for a decade now, and my suffering would not have been so acute if my mother didn't blame me for being ill every. single. day.

As angry as I have been at my body for attacking itself, I am angrier at my mother for her cruelty.

When I was stuck in a cycle of suffering, instead of compassion, what she had for me was hate. She told me that I was ill because of who I was. She told me I was ill because of the way I think. I was sick in the body because I was sick in the head, she claimed.

Let me put it in writing here that I shield myself from her influence now and forever. This doc is a bit of protective magic. It ensures that I don't care about her in the past, present or future. I don't care that she hurt me because she is not someone I care about. I don't care that she's nice to me now because she is not someone I care about. I don't care whether she will require care in the future because she is not someone I care about.

She will go the entire rest of her life doing things that will not suffice to make it up to me, and I will not care because she is not someone I care about.

I choose who has the power to hurt me. I do not choose her. I was born to her, I did not choose her. And I never will.

As helpless as child me was, now I am not helpless anymore. I have power. I protect myself. While I appear to be civil, I will not have a single conversation with her that actually matters. I will not tell her anything that matters. No significant emotions towards her.

I am a fortress. She can go die in the moat for all I care.